Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
