Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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