You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
