last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
