a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
