Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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