i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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