Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...