We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
