Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
