Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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