i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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