How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
