now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
