my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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