Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
