omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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