Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
