I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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