Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
