God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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