every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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