So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Randomize
