I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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