Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
