I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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