I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
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I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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