He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
