If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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