Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
