just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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