I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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