im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
