Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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