Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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