I think I am morally bankrupt
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
