If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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