One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
