I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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