omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
