I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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