I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
As shirtless as possible
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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