My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
