Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
