yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
