I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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