A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
