A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
