If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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