turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
