he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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