Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
