either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
