My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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