apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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