If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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