smell my finger.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
